What can I do if I am being hit by my boyfriend?

Beating up someone to make a point or to impose something is a common phenomenon in our society, even in seemingly love relationships.

Everybody will tell you to break up. But love is not always so simple. What if your feelings for him are too overwhelming? What if you believe you will never find someone to love again? What if the act of violence that occurred was just an accident? What if you believe all is your fault and excused him? What could you do?

Love, jealousy and violence

Jealousy is one of the most common reasons for violence in a relationship. Many victims of violence in romantic relationships believe that jealousy is a sign that their partner loves them. Jealousy and violence are not ways that partners show their love, but ways that boys use their power over and intimidate their girlfriends.

Sometimes the girls take blame on themselves. Do not believe it is your fault, even if you did some mistakes in the relationship it still doesn’t give him the right to hit you.

Violence in your relationship is not always because your boyfriend is a mean or bad person. It could be that he does not know any other way to communicate with you. Sometimes when he feels like he is loosing control of the relationship or over you, he will use violence to take back some control of the situation; this is not acceptable behaviour. Sometimes it is because he needs to dominate, and this is a serious problem.

No matter what the reason behind it, there is no excuse to hit you, his girlfriend. No one deserves to be physically abused.

You should know that…

It is not your fault that you are being hit. You should not stay in the relation because you feel guilty of what happens.

You are in a dangerous position. If you stay in the relationship you may be hit more. We know that if violence happened once, it is likely to happen again. It may also get worse overtime.

Love is funded on trust, respect and understanding, not on violence or domination. Respect is fundamental in a love relationship. Respecting you is first and foremost respecting your physical integrity, your body.

The issue of breaking up remains your personal choice. There is nothing harder than being torn between the choice of staying or leaving in a love relationship. Perhaps you have many explanations for the outburst of violence. But violence will never solve anything.

What can you do?

Why not talk to friends about it and ask them to help you. Together, you could find an adult to help you. Ask about their opinion. Perhaps you are blinded by the situation because you love him.

Do you fell like breaking up, or do you think there is still is a chance to fix up the relationship. Try to judge the situation by yourself or with the help of a friend or a trusted adult. Try to discuss it with your boyfriend.

If you think it is best to end the relationship, break it, even if for a while you could have a hard time. Friends will help you out.

• The first thing to do is to ask for respect. If he respects you, and loves you, he will not hurt you.
• He needs professional help. He can consult a psychologist or a counsellor. Also there are organizations that have services and group therapy for men who are violent in their love relationships.
• Also, you could benefit from counselling, to be able to sort out your feelings, not feel guilty and increase your self-confidence and your self-esteem.
• If you decide to stay in the relation and nothing good happens; if therapy is not going anywhere; if the risks are high that violence will occur again or if it occurs again, then, you should talk to an adult and seriously consider leaving him.

Love, neither aggression nor violence.

It is not always easy when it comes to love and relationships, but you can try, you and your boyfriend, to go through all this and move on to have a normal life filled with love. If deep in your heart you believe things can be changed and understood between you, do your best to make it happen. If not, it is hard to say goodbye but do it. Because you deserve love, neither aggression nor violence.

If you are looking for more help you can talk to your school counsellor, a youth clinic, a school nurse or call Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868).

For more information or help:

Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868)
http://kidshelp.sympatico.ca/
Kids Help Phone is Canada's only toll-free, national telephone counselling service for children and youth. This site offers a forum for kids: experiencing violence, either at home or in their communities; struggling with alcohol and/or drug abuse; dealing with issues related to suicide. Tips for parents and others, common warning signs, and advice on what to do if you suspect someone you know is at risk of committing suicide are featured.

How can I help my friend who is being hit by her boyfriend and doesn’t want to break up with him?

Beating up someone to make a point or to impose something is a common phenomenon in our society, even in love relationships. And now unfortunately it happens to someone close to you, your friend. What to do?

Love, jealousy and violence

Jealousy is one of the most common reasons for violence in a relationship. Many victims of violence in romantic relationships believe that jealousy is a sign that their partner loves them. Jealousy and violence are not ways that partners show their love, but ways that abusers use their power over and intimidate their partner. Sometime the girls take blame on themselves, thinking it is their fault, while in fact it isn’t.

Violence in relationships is not always because the abuser is a mean or bad person. Often times the abuser does not know any other way to communicate with her partner. Sometimes when he feels like he is loosing control of the relationship or his partner he will use violence to try to take control of the situation.

No matter what the reason behind it, there is no excuse to hit anyone, no matter what gender, race, culture or sexual orientation. No one deserves to be physically abused.

What can you do?

Well you can actually do a lot.

• What your friend needs from you right now is support. Let your friend know that you care about her, that you love her and you are worried about her safety.
• Tell your friend that you believe her and that you want to help in whatever way you can.
• Tell your friend that it is not her fault that she is being abused.
• Don't be negative about your friend's partner.
• Listen to her talk about her relationship. Then let her know your opinion on it.
• The issue of breaking up remains her personal choice. Don't be judgmental about your friend's choice to stay in the relationship. We can’t turn our love on and off overnight. There is nothing harder than being torn between staying or leaving in a love relationship. For you it is not love, but she probably has many explanations for the outburst of violence.
• You may explain to her without any judgement, that violence will never solve anything. Tell her love is funded on trust, respect and understanding, not on violence or domination. Respect is fundamental in a love relationship. Respecting a person is first and foremost respecting her physical integrity, her body. If she decides to stay, you can tell her that the best thing to do is to ask for respect.
• Your friend and her boyfriend need professional help if they decide to stay together. You can tell your friend that her boyfriend should consult a psychologist or a counsellor and help her find one. Also there are groups for men who are violent in their relationships.
• Whether she stays or not in the relationship, tell your friend she could benefit from counselling for herself, to be able to sort out her feelings, not feel guilty and increase her self-confidence and her self-esteem.
• If the risks are high that violence will occur again or if it occurs again, then, to help your friend, you should talk to an adult you trust or call Kids help Phone (1-800-668-6868).

Knowing that your friend is being hurt by her boyfriend is pretty hard to deal with. If you feel like you are having trouble coping with the things your friend is telling you, it's okay to tell your friend that you don't want to be involved in this part of her life. Make sure that she is not left to deal with this on her own. Making this choice will probably hurt your friendship, but if you can't handle hearing about your friend being abused it's okay to draw the line.

It is not always easy when it comes to love and relationships, but you can make it a little easier for your friend to go through all this and move on to have a normal life, with love rather than aggression or violence.

For more information or help: